Big Dave's Top Ten Horror Flicks

You're gonna hate it

It’s spooky time again folks. That means a few things. Wondering what happened to all the kids that used to trick-or-treat, nasty-ass candy corn in every chair's crevices, and The Bizarchives missing our Halloween deadline despite being the top dogs of spooky fiction.

Cynical? Yes.

As an aging grognard xennial with three kids, I’m a little bit mad at Halloween. I loved it as a youngin and I’m salty that my own children have an objectively inferior age to grow up in. New horror flicks are trash, very few people decorate and there’s no more of that old school vibe.

I hate it. I’m mad about it. I want to bring it back.

Enough boomerling cloud-yelling. Let’s talk dank scary movies. Because there’s a lot of them. Like all my lists, these aren’t the best ever, the most influential, or whatever. They’re just my personal favorites. And you’re going to be mad that The Shining isn’t on the list. It’s a visually stunning movie. Masterfully crafted. I’m sorry, but it’s boring and kinda pretentious.

Most of these are no-brainers that should be on every best list. Others are totally weird, retarded and/or obscure. Here we go.

10. Humanoids from the Deep

Speaking of retarded. Humanoids from the Deep is a hot stinker produced by infamous sleazy b-movie legend Roger Corman. It’s incredible that great directors such as Scorsese and Cameron were his proteges. Half of his movies are made using recycled props and sets from previous movies and he filmed most of them in like a week. Humanoids from the Deep is about hideous fish-men that come out of the water looking for women to impregnate. And of course, the Humanoids from the Deep have exquisite taste in women. They seem to only attack hot young babes. And they always seem to just get lucky enough to catch them when they’re already naked. The monsters are guys in costumes, the gore is cheesy and the entire premise of the movie is explicitly advertised on the poster. There are no surprises. But despite it being super rapey, cheap and sleazy, it has a charm to it. I love the retro practical effects and the texture of the film. It’s wholesome in some twisted way. There was something very sincere about movies like this. It wasn’t trying to be too smart or ironic. It was just a cheap movie made to entertain the viewer. I love Humanoids from the Deep. It’s a classic in the Dave library.

9. Event Horizon

   

Paul Anderson’s 1997 film Event Horizon is a flawed masterpiece. For folks that don’t know, Anderson also directed the first Resident Evil and Mortal Kombat movies. Starring Sam Neill and Laurence Fishburne, Event Horizon is a film somewhat adjacent to certain 40k elements and later settings like Dead Space. It’s about some dudes in space who get a distress signal from a derelict ship. They go on board and find a spooky contraption. Turns out the spooky contraption interacts with interdimensional demon worlds and everything goes awry when the crew starts having horrible visions and going nuts. It rules but there’s a little something missing with the premise that I felt could have made it better. Still a banger.

8. Evil Dead (Remake)

   

   We all love the OG Evil Dead movies. Classics. Vintage Sam Raimi with Bruce Campbell is just legendary. I was going to list them but then I remembered the 2013 remake. Hands down the best remake of any movie ever and probably one of the downright scariest movies I’ve ever seen. Despite being a little bit gorey for my tastes, the film itself is quite visually interesting. I remember it really standing out from the horror flicks of the 00’s and 10’s with their black on black on black color palettes.

   7. Jaws

   

   C’mon brvh. You know this scared the crap out of you as a kid. The original maneater deepsea creature feature. It’s about a big ass shark that eats people and there’s a dude who wants to shoot it but it keeps attacking his boat. Despite being old enough to be a grandfather, Jaws has aged quite well in my opinion. We all know the iconic movie song. It’s been memed to death over the last 40 years. But, if you go back and watch the film, the theme still does its job of raising your anxiety as the aquatic terror closes in. Such a good movie.

   6. The Amityville Horror

   

   Holy crap was this a scary movie back in the day. Some of the fx didn’t age well enough to keep their effect. And some younger folks who are accustomed to newer productions might not find it as spooky as viewers who saw it pre-1995. But, for me, this film is one I really enjoy going back to out of nostalgia. And frankly, it’s still a pretty unnerving movie. This is like the original haunted house movie and still stands today as a relic that modern productions attempt to emulate. It’s about a house that sits over a portal to hell and all manor of demonic activity terrorize the family living there. Amityville Horror is based on a real story. And if you want nightmares, go look up about the “Amityville Horror House” in New York state. For many of us, those two quarter-circle upstairs windows are iconic and just resonate a feeling of supernatural evil. If I’m ever driving around in upstate New York and see a house with those windows, I’m speeding away as fast as I can.

   5. The Fog

   

   An absolute classic John Carpenter film. Probably not the scariest on the list but definitely one of the dankest vibes. The celluloid texture, the square ratio, the practical effects, the blue color palette, and the Carpenterian synth film score are just freakin’ immortal. It’s about ghost pirates who come to shore at night in a spooky blue fog to get revenge on a town for stealing their gold. I love it, I love it, I love it. I’ve seen it a million times since I was a kid.

   4. The Exorcist

   

   This is turning into everyone’s favorites list. I tried very hard not to make it this way but, what do you want from me? The best are the best. I’ll follow this up with a “Dave’s favorite underrated horror flicks” list. Want to hear a crazy deep dive into The Exorcist? Go check out my episode of Kulture Dads on it. TLDR; The Exorcist is a perfect movie. Everything about it is genius and remains today one of the scariest movies ever. The premise, the soundtrack, the performances, the lore behind it is all just beyond disturbing. It’s emotional, riveting and perfectly paced. It ties in modern Christian mythos and demonology with ancient mythology.

   
   3. Halloween (1978)

   

The last John Carpenter movie on the list. I know I’m being a boomer here but no other slasher movie after the original Halloween caught the magic in my book. It had no explicit gore or vulgarity. All of the killing was implied as was all of the horror itself. It was giallo meets supernatural horror in a perfect blend that created the blueprint for the entire genre. Obviously, some credit must go to the original Texas Chainsaw Massacre. But for me, this film is one that I find myself going back to for its vibe, music, and the ominous mystery of Michael Myers before they ruined it with too much lore and horrible sequels.

2. Alien

   

Ridley Scott’s 1979 masterpiece. What more can I say? you’ve all seen it. Space scientists plunge into some strange tomb where they find bizarre ancient technology from some forgotten race. They uncover eggs for an engineered living bio-weapon that turns out to be the perfect adaptable species and it causes havoc on the ship. A masterpiece.

1. The Thing

   

I lied. I knew I was lying and I’m sorry. I’ll have you know I removed two other John Carpenter movies from the list just so the top 5 wouldn’t be John Carpenter worship. But here we are. 1982’s The Thing is far and away, objectively and simultaneously the greatest horror and greatest sci-fi film ever made. Nobody can or will ever be able to defeat it. Scientists in Antarctica are trapped in a remote lab as a shapeshifting, gene-stealing abomination from outer space takes the form of living hosts. It is a cosmic horror masterpiece of the highest order. Trust breaks down and paranoia ensures as the thing slithers among their ranks in the most hideous ways. It has body horror, psychological horror, gore, suspense, and everything you could possibly want in a horror flick. Not to mention the organic and slimy texture of the practical effects as they squirm and skitter about. Magnificient. If you seriously have never watched this film, you’re missing out some one of the best things ever made. One of my favorite movies of all time if not my favorite.

Okay, I got this off my chest. I’m sorry I gave you guys such a predictable lineup. The next one will be forgotten gems and overlooked classics. I’ve also got a pretty nice lineup of indie horror shorts you guys would like.

More to come..