So You Want to be a Pulp Vigilante?
The Arbo Files
It is good to have dreams. Without aspirations or goals, life simply is not worth living. Many go to bed at night and have thoughts about playing professional sports. Some in the twenty-first century seek a life of crypto-funded luxury, with sleek, luxurious yachts taking them from Rio to Rome whenever the fancy strikes. A select few want a life of adventure—a life wherein danger is a companion, and death a familiar foe. These hardy souls seek the life of a pulp vigilante. They want to wear a mask, take to the streets, and put the fear of God into the criminal underclass.
It is not advised that you do any of this. Vigilantes like The Shadow, The Spider, and The Phantom Detective did what they did in an age before ubiquitous cellphones, which, through helpful editing, can make a saintly action seem sinister. Also, Depression-era New York City had less police and less surveillance than it does today, and any vigilante would likely be arrested immediately after their first exploit.
Still, if you have to do it, we at The Bizarchives want you to do it in the best way possible. What follows here is a guide on how you can become a pulp vigilante. Use the knowledge wisely.
Be a Rich Playboy
All the pulp vigilantes and their progeny in the comic books are rich. You need money in order to be a crime fighter. Some are born into wealth. Others made their lucre by becoming shipping magnates, oil tycoons, or simply smart investors. Most just have money and do not need to explain where it comes from. Millions or billions are required in order to buy the gizmos, drive the supped-up cars, and fly the occasional gyrocopter.
Simply put, a vigilante needs to be wealthy first. Make you riches while you are young so you have the strength and vigor to beat up crooks during your masked phase.
Get an Education
The best vigilantes are super sleuths. They have as much brain as brawn. Take for instance Doc Savage, whose eye-catching physique is inferior to his elephantine brain. Savage is a detective, a surgeon, inventor, and chemist. Domino Lady, a heroine of the “spicy pulps,” is the daughter of a California district attorney who graduated from the University of California, Berkeley. Sherlock Holmes, the grandfather of all pulp vigilantes, went to a private college before tending to his own experiments in London.
Pulp vigilantes need to have sharp wits and quick fists. They need to constantly be learning new skills and information in order to stay one foot ahead of the bad guys. They read books and the newspapers. They can speak multiple languages. They are, in short, the elite of the elite.
Acquire Deadly Skills
A few weeks of Krav Maga will not fully equip you for the harsh realities of urban counter-terrorism, aka the vigilante’s lot in life. You need more than the ability to punch and kick; you need to know how to efficiently kill someone.
Joining the military is a good first step. The vigilantes of the pulps tended to favor prestigious, if not glamorous specialties while in uniform. Both The Phantom Detective and The Shadow were fighter pilots during the Great War. You can follow in their footsteps by joining the Navy or Air Force and trying out for one of the very competitive spots behind the sticks of a F-22A Raptor, F-15, or F-16.
If you cannot cut it as a flyboy, then there’s no shame in a grunt’s life in the infantry. It was once considered prestigious to be an officer in the artillery corps, so that is another option as well. The military police would give you applicable skills, and all three branches of the U.S. armed forces have their own law enforcement and investigators.
If you want to go a little extra, then the French Foreign Legion is always recruiting. Any foreigner between the ages of eighteen and thirty-nine can travel to France and knock on a recruiting depot’s door. If you pass all the fitness tests, then you will be guaranteed a hard life of hot sun, bad chow, and good fighting. If you are from a Spanish-speaking country, then there’s also the option of the Spanish Legion.
Finally, almost all the pulp vigilantes and even occult detectives like Jules de Grandin engaged in intelligence work. The Shadow worked for British, American, and French intelligence while also doing clandestine work for a shadowy group of Russian monarchists. You need to develop your own spy skills by either getting government work with a three-letter agency or finding a similar position in the private world (they exist; trust me).
Have an Arsenal
You need weapons. A lot of weapons. Your Rolls-Royce or Bentley needs to be bulletproof, and every outfit you wear needs to have a .38 or .45. A sturdy and powerful handgun is the mandatory piece. The vigilantes of the pulps preferred Colts above all else, but our contemporary epoch offers decent alternatives like Sig Sauer, Glock, Beretta, Smith & Wesson, etc. It would be advisable that your sidearm is a semi-automatic chambered in .40 or .45 and has a magazine that can hold ten rounds or more. A concealable revolver is a nice secondary weapon. A Colt Detective Special is a classic and classy option.
Besides handguns, you need to have in your arsenal shotguns, semi-automatic rifles, and, if you can get the federal license, a sub-machine gun. The Tommy gun was the street cleaner of the 1920s and 1930s, and today you could say the same about an MP5 or Beretta MPX.
Have Skillful Servants or Loyal Agents
No man is an island, and no vigilante is a lone wolf. Sherlock turned street urchins into his Baker Street Irregulars, while The Shadow populated New York with his many agents. As a vigilante, you need men and women in valuable positions in the police department, the municipal government, and media.
Another option is keeping things close to home by having in your household servants who can not only take care of the chores, but also take out bad guys. Tall and strong Sikh servants, many proficient in the ways of the knife and gun, were favored by your favorite pulp vigilantes for a reason. Japanese butlers with backgrounds in ninjutsu were also popular. You do not have to limit yourself to any ethnicity; just find a friend willing to clean up after you who can also break a neck or two.
Have a Disguise
A vigilante is someone outside of the law. As such, your activities will not endear you to the law. Even in this day in age, when politics has forced cops to back off from contentious arrests and some urban activists continue to “defund the police,” a vigilante cannot solely rely on the good will of the general public. You need to be able to do your job and remain anonymous. You need to wear a disguise. Multiple masks are a good idea (preferably more than a domino mask), and so too is the use of make-up or occasional plastic surgery. The point is to be hard to identify during those hours when you are undercover or fooling “normies” into thinking that you are just another idle rich kid with nothing constructive to offer society.
I hope this article has provided you with some insight. Again, we do not encourage any vigilantism on the part of our readers, but we also have vision problems that often causes us to look the other way. Vigilantism has no place in a lawful society. Then again, American cities are not very lawful in 2022, and if there rose a hypothetical situation wherein pulp vigilantes fought crime head-on, then it would be best if they were well-prepared beforehand. Just saying.
All this in Minecraft, of course.
A fun breakdown of the format, well worth studying for aspiring authors seeking to forge their own darksome heroes.