The Lovecraft Diet Challenge

The Arbo Files

I, a humble scribbler, want to challenge you. You can accept or decline this offer, but the eldritch Old Ones will definitely judge you harshly if you should fail to be all that you can be by taking the Lovecraft Diet Challenge.

What is the Lovecraft Diet Challenge, you may ask? It is simple: eat like the dearly depart Howard Phillips Lovecraft for a week. That is it. That is all you have to do. Lovecraft is best remembered as an author of weird tales, a master of letters, and as one of the last New England Tory reactionaries. Few know that he was something of a gourmand too, or at least Lovecraft enjoyed writing about food. The man certainly had his favorite “nibbles,” most of which can still be enjoyed by contemporary folk like you and me.

So, with that in mind, here is your one week Lovecraft Diet Challenge. And even though the namesake died of stomach cancer, you really have nothing to worry about.

(Editor’s note: The Bizarchives is not liable if you become a fat-ass).

Breakfast should be relatively simple. Every day, from Monday to Sunday, start your morning with coffee, doughnuts, and cheese. Lovecraft loved coffee and sugar, writing to Mrs. Fritz Leiber in December 1936,

…my tastes call for the most blisteringly high-seasoned materials conceivable, and for desserts as close to 100% C12H22O11 as possible. Indeed, of this latter commodity I never employ less than four teaspoons in an average cup of coffee.

That’s a lot of sugar for a single cup of Java. And to make matters even more sweet, Lovecraft liked his coffee paired with doughnuts and cheese. “I always get my own breakfasts, anyway—doughnuts and cheese” he told Robert E. Howard via letter in November 1932. It is an interesting combo that you should try. Lovecraft rarely mentioned his favorite type of doughnut, but it is a safe guess that he he liked them old fashioned. As for cheese, Howard was VERY PARTICULAR.

I hate Roquefort, dislike cottage cheese, just tolerate Camembert and Brie, and am neutral about Limburger—which latter I’ve tasted only once, at Whitehead’s a year ago last spring...” (Letter to REH, November 7, 1932).

With this in mind, your Lovecraft Diet Challenge consists of having coffee with old fashioned donuts and tried-and-true New England cheddar cheese every morning for seven days. That should take care of breakfast. Now onto dinner.

Lovecraft spent the majority of his life at or below the poverty line, so the Lovecraft Diet Challenge requires you to forgo lunch in order to save money and experience a little bit of the hunger pains that HPL undoubtedly had for much of his life. The good news is that now you can focus on dinner, which should go as follows:

MONDAY — Spaghetti. Despite having a rather low opinion of Italians, Lovecraft loved their cooking, especially spaghetti. The Man from Providence liked his with meat-and-tomato sauce and covered in a mountain of grated Parmesan cheese. Mangiare bene!

TUESDAY — Baked beans with Frankfort sausages. While living in New York, Lovecraft found a restaurant that specialized in baked beans. He gushed about it to J. Vernon Shea, despite the fact that the restaurant was closed during Lovecraft’s only known visit. To make up for this historical crime, buy a tin of baked beans and enjoy them with Frankfort sausages (also known as Vienna sausages).

WEDNESDAY — Steak and French fries. Lovecraft loved French fries, even going so far as to call himself a “potato-ite.” Lovecraft also said in a letter to Howard that beef was his favorite meat, so the third day of the Lovecraft Diet Challenge calls for steak frites.

THURSDAY — Ukrainian borscht with chicken Kiev. Lovecraft ate the best and weighed the heaviest (at least 190 pounds, according to the letters) during his marriage to the Ukrainian immigrant, Sonia Greene. Honor them both by feasting on hot borscht with sour cream and chicken Kiev. Your stomach will thank me.

FRIDAY — This is your fast day. Gotta save that money.

SATURDAY — Keep it simple with bread, jams and jellies, and pieces of chocolate. Lovecraft was fond of Hershey’s.

SUNDAY — This is the day when you go big. Lovecraft’s favorite meal was the traditional New England Thanksgiving feast, so you should load your plate with turkey, cranberry sauce, onions, stuffing, and everything else. Delicious!

Last but not least, we must address dessert. Lovecraft preferred ice cream. His favorite was coffee ice cream, which, during his life, was only found in New England. If you cannot locate coffee ice cream, then vanilla works just as well. On Sunday, you should finish off your final feast with blueberry pie (if it’s summer) or mince pie (if it’s winter).

And there it is. Are you dude enough to conquer the Lovecraft Diet Challenge? If you are, then please post pictures online and make sure to tag The Bizarchives. We cannot wait to see your antediluvian degeneration.