Ok, so you beat the H.P. Lovecraft challenge from last week. Good job! You likely have severe stomach cramps, or your hands are shaking constantly because of a permanent sugar rush, but those are just the aftershocks of victory. Do not let your doctor tell you otherwise.
Now is a time for a new challenge.
Are you game?
The good news is that this week’s hero, Robert E. Howard (1906-1936), appreciated the finer things in life more than our old friend Lovecraft. Howard was a Texan, a weightlifter, and an all-around he-man, and he had an appetite to match. So, to truly master this challenge, you not only have to eat like Howard, but you should also hit the gym and the keyboard in order to maximize the Howard experience. By the end of this challenge week, you should be buffer, bigger, and at least have one new story to show off to the world. Maybe you even submit it to the Bizarchives…?
Enough fooling around; it’s time to feast.
MONDAY — Unlike Lovecraft, whose refined constitution could not even handle seafood (despite being from the Ocean State, for Pete’s sake), Howard was a fan of Tex-Mex cooking.
“However I generally wrestle with them every time I go to the Border. Tamales, enchiladas, tacos, chili con carne to a lesser extent, barbecued goat-meat, tortillas, Spanish-cooked rice, frijoles -- they play the devil with a white man's digestion, but they have a tang you seldom find in Anglo-Saxon cookery” (Letter to Lovecraft, Nov. 1932)
Howard frequently traveled down to the the southern border, and may have journeyed into Mexico a time or two. Well, you can have your own Tex-Mex journey by starting the first day off with a bang. Begin your morning with a breakfast burrito with eggs, chorizo, peppers, and cheese, or skip the burrito and plunge into some enchiladas with black beans and yellow rice. A good beef enchilada recipe can be found here.
With breakfast out of the way, feel free to snack on tamales or beef tacos throughout the day. Then, when dinner rolls around, prepare yourself some authentic Texas chili.
Howard did not just eat; he also wrote and lifted. So, during the morning or night, begin outlining your new story. In order to complete this challenge, your story must belong to one of the genres that Howard frequented: horror, sword & sorcery, boxing, adventure, detective, or weird western. Spend the first day brainstorming what you want to write and outlining the story’s progression.
A strong brain requires a strong body. Howard knew this, and that is why he was a devotee of “physical culture.” Howard was a fan of the Estonian strongman and pro wrestler George Hackenschmidt, and as such this challenge’s workout regimen will come straight from the “Russian Lion.” For your first day, you will do the following:
Chest, Shoulders, and Triceps
Bench press — 5 sets of 5 reps
Clean and jerk —3 sets of 4-6 reps
Single arm dumbbell shoulder press — 3 sets of 6-8 reps
Lateral raise — 3 sets of 8 reps
Close grip floor press — 3 sets of 8
Triceps pressdown — 3 sets of 8
TUESDAY — Begin with black coffee, and then have a hearty meal of ham and scrambled eggs. If you are feeling fancy, add a Southern-style biscuit with honey and butter to the mix. For lunch, get your paws on some German bratwurst and Limburger cheese. Lovecraft notoriously abhorred Limburger, but Howard loved the the stuff. Lean into the stink by mixing sausage and cheese for your midday meal.
For dinner, have some chicken-fried steak with gravy, green beans and mashed potatoes. With a belly full of goodness, you should be able to write the first one thousand words of your new story. Do not worry about editing just yet.
Day two of your workout will include:
Back, Biceps & Abs
Bent-over barbell row — 5 sets of 5 reps
Pull up — 3 sets of 6-8 reps
One arm row — 3 sets of 8 reps
Rear lateral raise — 3 sets of 8 reps
Barbell curl — 3 sets of 8 reps
Dumbbell curl — 3 sets of 8 reps
Hanging leg raise — 3 sets of 10 reps
Plank — 3 sets of 30-60 seconds
WEDNESDAY — Black coffee and bacon and eggs to start your morning. Lunch is once again bratwurst and Limburger cheese. You can do your heart and digestion a favor by throwing in a salad, too. Do not forget to enjoy beer. Howard loved beer, and lots of it.
Howard preferred Schlitz, but that brand may be hard to find for you. Replace it with either Texas favorites like Lone Star or Shiner, or simply pick up a six pack of your local lager. Drink and be merry on this fine Wednesday.
For dinner, polish off a nice T-bone steak with boiled potatoes and cabbage. This should give you the energy necessary to write another 1,000 -2,000 words of your story. With that done, it is time to hit the gym again.
Lower Body
Barbell Hack squat — 5 sets of 5 reps
Romanian deadlift — 3 sets of 4-6 reps
Leg press — 3 sets of 6-8 reps
Lying leg curl — 3 sets of 8 reps
Seated calf raise — 3 sets of 10 reps
Standing calf raise — 3 sets of 10 reps
THURSDAY — Good news is that today is your first rest day. It is time to give your aching muscles a break. As for your belly, not so fast! We go back to black coffee and eggs. You can pick the meat (or go meatless) this morning. Lunch can be tacos or enchiladas, preferably beef.
Dinner will feature a Southern classic — fried pork chops with mashed potatoes and vegetables. The vegetables are up to you, but those pork chops better be fried. Write another 1,000-2,000 words and call it a day.
FRIDAY — We are back to work on Friday. Black coffee with oatmeal porridge to keep you wired and fit. Lunch will be a sturdy ham and cheese sandwich or a reliable Mexican torta. As for dinner, it is all about fried catfish with coleslaw and French fries. Generations of Southern boys were reared on catfish, and you are no better. Fill you guts with the good stuff before you write your last 1,000 words.
As for exercise, today you box. Howard was a big boxing fan, and that means that you should either take a boxing class or spend an hour shadow boxing. Get sweaty and sore as you perfect your pugilistic prowess. You never know if or when you may come across some distressed damsel in a darkened French forest, after all.
SATURDAY — Breakfast is once again black coffee with ham and eggs. Feel free to mix it up when it comes to lunch, but dinner has to be barbecued chicken with either potato salad or corn and greens. Kick back a few beers or pinch off some whisky. You are going to need some Dutch courage as you begin editing your story into presentable shape. Spend a few hours perfecting your prose, then go for a hike, swim in the nearest body of water, or grab your sword and start practicing. Do not stop until you are sweating like crazy. That is the Conan way.
SUNDAY — This is it — the final day. You are jacked and ready to take on the world. Your body needs more coffee, for you are going to complete the editing for your new story today. Once complete, you are going to send this tale to us at the Bizarchives . We will read it and love it, but in case you want to make an impression, send along a photograph of yourself standing like Howard (pictured above). Holding a sword or packing a six-shooter would be nice too.
Finally, on your last day of feasting, you will indulge in something that both Lovecraft and Howard loved: Thanksgiving dinner.
“You struck a responsive chord in me when you mentioned turkey dinner. Thanksgiving! Baked turkey, with dressing made of biscuit and cornbread crumbs, sage, onions, eggs, celery salt and what not; hot biscuits and fresh butter yellow as gold; rich gravy; fruit cakes containing citron, candied pineapple and cherries, currents, raisins, dates, spices, pecans, almonds, walnuts; pea salad; pumpkin pie, apple pie, mince pie with pecans; rich creamy milk, chocolate, or tea -- my Southern ancestors were quite correct in adopting the old New England holiday” (Howard to Lovecraft, Dec. 1932).
Pile your plate high with turkey, warm, buttery biscuits, stuffing, green beans, and whatever else you may desire. Have a cold beer, enjoy some pie, and relax knowing that you defeated yet another diet challenge. Hearty hails to you.
P.s. If you do this challenge without listening to metal, then you fail automatically.